There was something about him, it was difficult to wrap my head around but whenever I saw him, heard his voice or just thought about him, the whole world stopped, my heart started racing and all I could see was him. A few months ago, while playing a game with me online, he let the fact that he had a girlfriend slip. I congratulated him and we never talked about it again. At some point, it seemed like he had never said it at all but something at the back of my head kept telling me ‘Girl! This dude has a girlfriend and you ain’t no side chick material!’ I didn’t listen to the voice of course, he treated me like there was no other girl in the world and that was enough for me.
I noticed how the heart he used to save my contact would disappear whenever he traveled and appear a few days after he returned but I turned a blind eye. I noticed how he switched off his phone every night while we were cuddling to prevent it from ringing. What I was doing was against all my principles but a voodoo doll representing me must have been locked up in some spiritual cage because my heart was tied. I couldn’t do anything about my feelings, I couldn’t think straight if we weren’t talking, couldn’t function properly if I hadn’t heard his voice. So I stayed.
I was addicted. Addicted to his fragrance, addicted to the sound of his voice, addicted to the feel of his fingers when they brushed ever so gently against my skin. I was addicted to the warmth I felt whenever I was close to him, addicted to the sound of his laughter, addicted to everything about him. I was hurting someone but I couldn’t let go, I wanted him to let me go but he didn’t, I just couldn’t remove myself, I had to be removed.
On my way back from church one Sunday morning, I noticed I had missed a call from a strange number, I called back immediately;
“What kind of a person are you?” A sad lonely voice at the other end asked. “Why would you ever treat your fellow woman this way? What have I ever done to you?” I ended the call, I didn’t need to hear more than this. I could feel the girl’s sorrow and pain. I couldn’t believe that I was the same person who had sworn to never hurt another woman this way, now I was doing it with my eyes wide open.
Talking to him would only make things more difficult so I immediately blocked and deleted him on every platform possible. He didn’t need an explanation to know why. It was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life, but I wasn’t going to continue being the monster in someone else’s story.