DIARY

RANTINGS OF A DEPRESSED GIRL

Six more…

Ever been depressed? Well, I have. How did you recover from it? Or have you? Well, you can. Or can you?

” Why are you always indoors? Why don’t you ever come out?” He asked, obviously concerned about my social life. ” You should try to come out more often, get to know the neighbors and go out with them once in a while” “I’ll take that under advisement” I replied. And with an extremely fake smile, I gave him an awkward pat on the back. “Goodbye John”

I understood everything John had told me and I believed he actually cared for me a bit. I wanted to go out more often. Yes, I did, I wanted to be more socially active, I wanted to make new friends, I wanted everyone to love me. But I just couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to join any discussion my neighbors had. ‘They don’t like me anyway, they think I’m weird‘ I think and keep moving, I couldn’t bring myself to dress up properly or go to work on time,‘They don’t pay me well enough and I have no friends there’. I think and go back to sleep. Then I got fired, I was expecting it already because my boss never appreciated my skills. Now I sit at home all day lying down and thinking of how useless I am. I am a mistake in this world and I can never do anything right.

I have a splitting headache now despite the six painkillers I’ve taken. I take six more, nothing. This is John’s fault. John said I wasn’t making any effort so I forced myself to make one, I went to a club with my next-door neighbor Clara. It was fun, I took a couple of drinks and danced. “Why haven’t I ever joined you guys before?” I ask Clara, she laughs. I took another cup. This morning I woke up on a strange bed in a strange room beside a strange man. Where was Clara? I thought, hope she’s okay. One look at the pimple ridden face and I didn’t have to look anymore. I dressed up and started leaving. “Hey, Babe! Wait a little bit!” I heard in the background. Noise, I wasn’t turning back. I exited a mansion. Kudos to me, I thought, dude might have been ugly but he sure was rich. Shut up, you whore! A voice corrected. Yes, I’m a whore. I agreed. I just slept with a man I didn’t know.

The migraine was as loud as ever. I took six more. This was Clara’s fault, she left me. I had called her once I exited the mansion and she was sleeping soundly at home. “Where are you?” she asked me. “Where am I? Where are you? I just left a very strange guy’s house. I hope you’re okay?” “Oh, I’m very fine” she replied, “You sure did have fun last night, you and that strange guy were getting it oooonnnn!” “I’m sorry?” I just had to ask. “You saw your neighbor who you brought to a party clearly drunk with a strange guy and you left her?” “Why do you have to be such a killjoy? You’re so weird!” She hung up. I tried to take six more but the bottle was empty, How many did I take? I had lost count. Maybe another bottle would help, I thought as I popped six more pills from the second bottle.

No, this is my fault. I shouldn’t have gone to that party when I knew I couldn’t control my alcohol. I should never even have gone out, only bad things happen when I go out. I shouldn’t have listened to John. I am such a failure and everyone hates me! I took six more from the fourth bottle, It dropped from my hand. Why do I feel so weak? I thought. It didn’t matter anyway, I felt really peaceful. It would all be over soon, this mistake would be eradicated from history. Was that a knock I heard? Johns’ voice? No, John wasn’t here. Only peace. I closed my eyes.

BLISS

Author

theorockzz@gmail.com
I am a lawyer and a writer, I specialize in Creative writing(Fiction Short stories and Novels). I'm also a Fashion, Beauty and Lifestyle Blogger.

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AHMED

July 11, 2019